At the beginning of August, I reached a decent milestone. Incredible to think that we were married in the same year as Charles and Diana. 1981 was warmer and sunnier than average.
As part of an extended honeymoon, we chartered a yacht and sailed the Western Isles of Scotland: hardly any wind ruffled the firths and lochs — the Azores high (pressure area) dropped anchor over the British Isles from the last week in July to the second week of September.
What makes a marriage last? I’ll stick to some home truths that seem to so often ignored. First, children. We got married to try and have a family and to give them a secure emotional environment in which to grow, experiment and feel some security. We were blessed with three children and, whenever we have had problems, we reflected on our good fortune and the commitment we made. We are parents first and foremost and that priority puts most personal difficulties in perspective.
We both came from families where our parents were devoted to each other through thick and thin and their marriages lasted their lifetimes (three out of four are dead). We saw them encounter huge problems (alcoholism; overwork; major illness; redundancy; travel for work) and solve them in amicable and courageous ways.
We made sure that we shared a lot of interests: the outdoors, children (did we say that!), art, literature, camping, gardening/allotments, and we have also taken an active interest in aspects of each other that we are not necessarily so keen on.
We were both aware (before we were married!) of how marriage is a journey and not an easy one. We knew that ‘romance’ is just that — a metaphor for an idealised relationship — and that we would have to cope with erotic love declining and other aspects of love becoming as important: agape, respect, companionship, selflessness. That’s not to say we aren’t gallant, tender and chivalrous. We just leave the concept of romance to Hello! magazine and Barbara Cartland.
We were also dimly aware that the dynamic of our relationships with our children would change us, our marriage and our relationship. We have transformed these relationships from adult-child to adult-adult with the usual hiccoughs in the teenage years but now we can reap the rewards.
We knew that a family is for keeps and that we were determined to keep it together. The accumulation of memories, humour, history and family legends are the stuff of which life is made. The loss of a relationship in divorce is nothing compared to the potential loss of family bonds.
We have had bad times. Without them, the highs of married life wouldn’t be so clear cut or valued. We have suffered all the lows that you can imagine: infidelity, one or other of us moving out, financial problems, mental illness…but we have always come through.
Now, in the third ‘age’ of life with our children all graduated (one twice!), we can be there for them as they tackle the challenges of jobs, finance, relationships and deciding for themselves the shape of their lives.
One thing though, we’re not that liquid a mum ‘n dad bank but, then, we can’t be much worse than the high street banks, can we!
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