April 20, 2014

The Five Manliest Movies Ever

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Ben Kahan joins us for a guest post on his top blokey movies:

5. Sin City

Sin City PosterThe Story: Where to begin? Mickey Rourke is killing his way to the truth on a quest to find out who killed a prostitute; Bruce Willis is saving almost-naked Jessica Alba from retribution from when he literally shot the nuts off a corrupt politician’s paedophile’s son; Clive Owen is taking revenge on Benicio del Toro for slapping around girlfriend Brittany Murphy… I mean, it’s so hardcore they should just give it a title that sounds like a porno website. Oh wait…

What’s Manly About It: It’s not just super-duper-seriously-violent, but it’s stylised violence. That means that it’s in black and white, except for the blood that frequents your screen in all sorts of colours. Also, the gratuitous nudity, the torture and the cannibalism, as well as Mickey Rourke. That’s pretty manly.

Manquote: “There is no settlin’ down! This is blood for blood and by the gallons. This is the old days. Man… the bad days. The all or nothin’ days. They’re back. There is no choices left. And I’m ready for war” – Mickey Rourke pumps himself up to watch Top Gun

Manly-Meter: Pretty Damn Manly

4. Gladiator

Gladiator PosterThe Story: Betrayed general Maximus (Russell Crowe) has to work up from the bottom as a gladiator to unnerve the emperor and get the people back on his side.

What’s Manly About It: Well, aside from Russell Crowe being the manliest Australian on the planet*, he kills just about everything they put in front of him. Armies, slaves, horses, chariots, executioners, lions? He doesn’t even flinch. And he’s only doing it so he can get a Fosters as celebration.**

Manquote: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.” – Russell Crowe auditions for World of Warcraft

Manly-Meter: Pure Testosterone

*Sure, there’s Hugh Jackman, but he’s an American when he’s Wolverine, and Crowe is always an Aussie. Also, Jackman is in Australia, and by doing so denounced his manhood.
**Probably.

3. Crank

Crank PosterThe Story: Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) has as poison coursing through his veins that will stop his heart, but the only thing that can keep it going is testosterone. Yes, that’s the actual storyline.

What’s Manly About It: You may think “Gosh, this seems tame” until you realise that the entire film is just Jason Statham running around and doing manly stuff like breaking into a hospital and using a defribrilator, picking fights, stealing things, fighting with police, driving cars through shopping malls and having sex with his girlfriend in a street filled with Chinese tourists.

It’s 73 minutes short, every second pounding, and CHECK OUT THAT POSTER.

Manquote: “I’m going to get that little fucker if it’s the last thing I do… it may actually be the last thing I do” – Jason Statham acts against type

Manly-Meter: Nope, We’re All Out Of Oestrogen

2. Die Hard

Die Hard PosterThe Story: Cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) has his Christmas interrupted when Alan Rickman holds a party hostage in a tower. It’s the first (and arguably best) in the series… although we’ll have to wait and see if it’s a good day to Die Hard…

What’s Manly About It: Bruce Willis kills a load of people, walks on broken glass, takes pieces of said glass out of his foot (like a boss, I must add), and pretty much saves the whole shabang. Also, Alan Rickman has a badass German accent and Brucie says that line. It really is the seminal winter movie, as well as one of Willis’ best roles ever. Plus there’s SO MUCH VIOLENCE. But it’s not blood. They’re bleeding pure testosterone. If you watch it in HD, it actually comes out of the screen. Mental.

Manquote: “You motherfucker, I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna fuckin’ cook you, and I’m gonna fucking eat you!” – Cannibal John McClane plays with his food

Manly-Meter: Manlier Than Fifty Rocket Launchers

1. Fight Club

Fight Club PosterThe Story: Edward Norton and Brad Pitt start up an underground beat-the-shit-out-of-each-other society to vent frustration. It kinda sorta gets out of hand and evolves into some hardcore terrorist cell that is, like, totally for the people, man. Also, people get beaten to shit.

What’s Manly About It: Seriously? The plot didn’t sell itself? Sure, you may argue that Brad Pitt semi-naked and oiled in mansweat appeals more to the girls of our planet, but the fact that he rags Helena Bonham Carter so hard that she becomes blurry or that (MASSIVE SPOILER) he and Edward Norton are THE SAME PERSON stamp out any girly-girl subtexts. I mean, Edward Norton was Marvel’s Bruce Banner, which means that protagonist Tyler Durden is the lovechild of Brad Pitt and the Hulk.

It’s been critically acclaimed as well, which may confuse you, because the typical manfilm carries as much depth as Taylor Lautner. This is not just the manliest movie ever made, but it’s also a damn good film, period.

Manquote: “You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick” – Tyler Durden shedding light on why Vampires are so pale

Manly-Meter: Chuck Norris Took One Look At This And Said “Shit, That’s Manly”

 

Ben is a writer and editor for the entertainment site Entertainment Cocktail, which has a bunch of news and reviews every day from just about everywhere on films, music and games. He’s also a student which means that he may very well be intoxicated, hungry and out of money right now, so if you like the article, pop a Tesco voucher on the collection plate as it passes you, or better yet, check out and keep up with his website, which may not put food on the table but will at least make him smile!

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  • Stephen Bray

    I love your line: ” Edward Norton and Brad Pitt start up an Internet beat-the-shit-out-of-each-other society to vent frustration. It kinda sorta gets out of hand and evolves into some hardcore terrorist cell that is, like, totally for the people, man. Also, people get beaten to shit”

    Great stuff, oh whoops, I just wrote ‘Internet-beat-the-shit-out-of-each-other-society’, oh, I see, you’re reviewing ‘Fight Club’, not a social networking site for business persons known to some here, - my bad ;-)

  • http://www.houses-for-sale-in-spain.net grahunt

    They are not manly. For real manly action just watch Amelie :-)

  • Anonymous

    Call me a pedant, but… Wolverine is Canadian.

    Other than that – hard to fault you!