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Stupid

December 4, 2010 By
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I’ve asked the editor of Blokes to indulge a post from a woman who really wants some male perspective on a problem – thank you and please give me your honest responses:

I want to explore the possibility that my husband calling my children “stupid” in response to what I really think are minor incidences (today it was simply that our daughter had put on her mittens before sorting her boots – this is about the degree of  ”stupidity” that we’re talking about) should be less frowned upon by me than it is.

It is generally small things that I really do not think are worthy of the label “stupid” – they are usually silly things, foolishness or the act is a stupid one, not that the person is stupid. And this bothers me hugely.

I’m sure that my own reaction to the “stupid” word may well have resulted in the children being so upset by it, or has it? I just don’t know now but what I do know is that the constant put downs of my own childhood had a big effect on me and I have read much that seems to back up the point of view that when a respected loved-one – a child’s hero, indeed – has a negative opinion of us, it matters, we believe it, and we remember it. Or should we just get over ourselves and shrug it off as simply one person’s opinion? Should I be encouraging this in our children so that they are better equipped to deal with negative people and points of view?

So why am I posting this here, when some might thing the Birds on the Blog more appropriate? Well I wonder if this is a bloke thing? Is it simply a female point of view that considers being told that one is stupid regularly is a bad thing. Am I being too harsh on my husband and mollycoddling our children?

Dunce
Image by Candie_N via Flickr

Now of course I have plenty of experience to call upon, having abusive parents myself, and I do wonder if I see bad things in things that maybe are not so bad, really. I must say that the children behave far better for him than with me, but then I am more familiar, perhaps, someone they see more often commonplace and so with whom they trust that they can simply be themselves. I don’t know. I wonder if I should let his harsh words flow over me and ignore it, or do I disagree with him out loud so that the children understand that it’s ok to do so, and that having differing points of view are acceptable and do not need to be a problem.

As with many things through my life, my original lack of self-confidence has me questioning my own feeling and opinions on this. I just don’t know. I know what I think and feel, but is that right? Is the result of a softer approach defiant and unruly children who are less well equipped to deal with negative stuff when they are adults?

Your thoughts are welcome, from mums, birds and even grumpies, as well as the Blokes,  and thank you in advance for taking the time to help me understand this.

Diane

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  • Matthew

    I’m a bloke with kids under 10, and I would suggest that it’s better to criticise behaviour than the person if you want a positive response. ie ‘Stop being silly’ or ‘Stop acting in such a stupid manner’ are preferable to ‘Aaaagggh – you’re so stupid’ Behaviour can be improved, but the person is really who they are, and labelling them ‘Stupid’ or ‘Naughty’ only results in them starting to think that that’s what they are and settling for just that. This said, the occasional ‘you donut’ (said in a playful manner) or something like that, when all involved are already laughing about the fact the person has just put pants on over trousers or mittens on before shoes shouldn’t cause any lasting damage. Just be prepared to take it back from them when you do something stupid too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1134202412 Morag Gaherty

    Couldn’t say it better myself.

    What I would add is that you should not let your frustration at this bottle up inside you. You need to have (if you have not already done so) a conversation in private with your husband explaining why you don’t think it is right to call a person (any person) stupid, when the reference is to their behaviour.

    You have as much right to an opinion as anyone else does. It’s a fine line between disagreeing with your partner and making your own position clear, and that kind of discussion should not happen in front of the children, in case either of you undermines the other.

  • http://vamoss.tumblr.com/ stevenhealey

    Karen , providing a loving caring environment for our children is something we all aspire to . How we are with them , how we support them is key in their gaining self belief. Of course there are times when kids can frustrate especially when we see some inkling of our own weaknesses in their behaviour.

    Encouraging our kids is the best thing we can do for them , showing them right and wrong by example . However how each family achieves this is different , and it is not how we as parents feel , but how our kids feel about our treatment of them that matters.

    I suggest that you talk your situation through with your husband .

  • Diane

    Thank you Matthew, I appreciate your helpful comments

  • Diane

    Thank you Morag and this has me thinking and I am encouraged to resolve this as yes, the frustration was getting bottled and that is not goo.

  • Diane

    Yes, Steven – time to talk. Thank you for your comments – they are appreciated.

  • http://jeremydent.posterous.com Jeremy Dent

    This is a universal situation, Diane, not just about adult-child relationships. Petty tyrancy can happen in the workplace as well.

    I brought up three children and they recall their childhood, as I do, with real longing and wistfulness.

    Whenever inappropriate behaviour needs a comment, it’s best to say something positive first and then help them correct ‘stupid’ behaviour. And, as Matthew says, humour helps.

    “Clever girl to think of mittens. Cold isn’t it? Do you think it would be better to put boots on first, or mittens? How would [her favourite animal friend] do it?” I still do this with my subordinates at work. “Great training session: you put a lot of work into that. Now let’s see how we can improve parts of it for next time.” Good leadership lets people make mistakes and learn: good parenting is equally tolerant.

    Making mistakes in childhood (and adulthood) is how we all learn and the joy of children is that they are prepared to try things, look ‘stupid’ and learn. This spontaneity should be encouraged for as long as possible.

    I think your husband needs to lighten up, chill out and to be helped to see the world through children’s eyes. Get physically and mentally to their level and treat ‘mistakes’ as part of a lifelong learning adventure. They will love him (even more) for it.

    And the joy of being a child with your children is very short-lived. It whooshes by. Don’t let him miss it.

  • Kevin_Hardern

    Having read your article and had some experoience in this area, I would say there are differences, but they are more subtle than may seem obvious.

    First, I’d say men are more direct, sort of say it like it is, sometimes without considering the effect it has on the recipient. A woman may think stupid, but not say it, and then tell someone else, but only if the person being ‘stupid’ is not her own child! A man would not think of telling anyone about it.

    So, stupid may not be a very helpful word, probably what is in his head at the time though. Maybe a better approach would have been to show/suggest a better way, positive criticism, rather than negative put down. Not sure if that is a male/female thing, I’s say it is more a personality thing relating to either gender.

  • Katie-Ellen Hazeldine

    There’s no harm in saying something like ‘you didn’t really think that through, what did you need to have done?’ or having a laugh together about it, if kindly. ‘Words are better understood if spoken but in kindness.’
    Focussed thinking can be developed as a habit and is to be encouraged. But just supposing someone really was an utter dunderhead, a bear of little brain, it wouldn’t be constructive or productive or kind to keep telling them so. It would be so pointless as to be er…stupid.

  • Mark Skinner

    Hi Diane, I am not a parent however if he is that frustrated at a simple mistake I think he needs a holiday. That isn’t acceptable to me. Sorry to be short and sweet.