Everything you never knew about lingerie

Guess what? Babs is expecting a blog from me, about lingerie.

Well, you did open your big mouth didn’t you?

Yeah. But I was only being witty. Tongue in cheek, you know? I didn’t think she’d take me up on the idea.

Ah yes, your famous wit. It’s got you into difficulty before, hasn’t it?

Shut up. Just tell me how I’m going to get out of this one.

No. You said you’d do it, now do it. You’re good at blathering on about anything and nothing. Just open your gob and get going like you normally do.

OK. Start talking about it? OK. Here we go then:

Image via Wikipedia

‘Lingerie. Phwoar, eh? Eh? Phwoar.’

There you go. My thoughts. What do you reckon?

Bit brief, isn’t it, for a blog?

Brief! Very good.

Groan. Come on, you’ve got to say more than that. Have you ever worn any, for example?

What – lingerie? Me? Oh please! Oh… errr yeah…well, there was this time about 20 years ago, at my girlfriend’s place.

Say no more. She was out, you were alone there, so you thought you’d just –

- Stop right there. No. Nothing like that. It was just that I’d stayed overnight, unexpectedly, sort of, and I had no clean undies to go to work in the next day.

Ha ha! So you –

- It was her idea, as it happens. I was in bloody agony all day.

I bet. You could have done yourself a permanent injury.

I was walking around like Quasi Modo.

Must have felt weird too, trussed up in a bra like that. The hunchfront of Notre Dame –

There was no bra involved, thank you very much.

You probably didn’t need one back then. But anyway, let’s hear something a little more profound now. Tell you what, I’ll start you off: ‘For women, lingerie isn’t about who will see it, it is for themselves.’

‘For men, lingerie IS about who will see it. It is for them.’

Interesting. Can both things be true?

I think so.

OK, mr pantie-wearer, I’ll go with you on that.

Less of it, thanks.

That’s what you should have said to your girlfriend, before you headed off for work that morning.

Hindsight. Wonderful, isn’t it.

Depends whose hind you’re sighting.

Or whether they’re in lingerie.

Now we’re cooking.

Cooking. Oh dear.

You’ve opened your big mouth again, haven’t you?

No comment.

Doug Jenner